People can’t get enough of the strange things we Southerners say! What about the things Southerners never say? What words and phrases might stand out in a Southern crowd, and identify the speaker as a yankee, an alien, or someone who needs their heart blessed?
1. “I don’t like bacon.”
Obviously, anyone who says this is joking, crazy, or a vegetarian. The last two are synonyms as far as I can tell. Even some vegetarians don’t pretend to not like bacon. They just don’t eat it. Claiming to not like bacon is like saying “I don’t like being happy.” It doesn’t make sense, and I’m going to have to assume that you’ve never eaten bacon, and you’ve based your statement on some nonsense like nutritional value.
2. “Unsweetened tea tastes better.”
3. “I prefer steamed okra.”
I’ll understand if you order steamed okra instead of fried in the interest of health, but trying to convince me that you like it better is futile. No Southerner would be able to convince themselves that okra is better (insert any method of prep other than fried here) than fried … except maybe pickled. No. I stand behind fried.
4. “This porch is too big.”
Sure, and small kitchens without dishwashers are awesome. If we’re playing a game where the person who says the most ridiculous thing wins, then this is perfect. If we’re not … I don’t understand. Would this person think hats could be too big? Crazy talk.
5. “Who is Nick Saban?”
Whoever says this is an alien. As in, an extraterrestrial who isn’t from this planet and should be regarded with caution.
6. “Hockey is my favorite sport.”
7. “I think I’ll throw these mason jars away.”
Actually, I wish someone would say this. More for my collection. Maybe they’ve never been on Pinterest?
8. “I don’t wave at my neighbors when I drive by.”
Well, that’s especially rude. We wave at strangers in The South, so not waving at a known neighbor is a bonafide snub.
9. “I’m running late, so I’ll go with wet hair and no make-up.”
If we’re talking about attending class in college, I suppose it’s acceptable. If it’s a party or social gathering for grown ups, and especially if it’s in public, you should be late. Better to arrive late than arrive unkempt.
10. “May I order off of the regular menu instead of the brunch menu?”
Why? There are poached eggs, mimosas, and French toast on the brunch menu. What do you want to eat? A salad?!